Twilight Minis
by 2twilightgurl1
Summary: Twilight stuff i thought was funny.
1. Chapter 1

Happy B-day Bella!  
_Bella reached the Cullens house, slowly driving up. She reluctantly turned off her ignition and stepped out, shutting her car door. She walked up the stairway and before she could even knock on the door, Alice swung it open._  
Alice: Hi Bella!! Right on time, come in.  
Bella: *walks in*  
_Everything was decorated for her 19th birthday._  
Alice: We have a special surprise for you. Edward was a pain but we got him to do it!  
Bella: *eyebrows furrowed with confusion* Eh...What did you make him do?  
Alice: You'll see!  
Carlisle: *walks in from the kitchen, pulling behind him a massive birthday cake.* "Happy Birthday, Bella!"  
Emmett, Jasper, and Esme: Happy Birthday!  
Bella: Where's Edward?  
Emmet and Jasper: *snickergiggle*  
Alice: Blow out the candles, Bella!!!  
Esme: Don't forget to make a wish.  
Bella: _'I wish Edward was here...'_ *blows out candles*  
Edward: *pops out from cake in a sexy bunny outfit.* Happy Birthday, Bella... :/  
Edward, Alice, and Jasper: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! xD xD xD  
Edward: *twitch twitch*  
Bella: E-e-ed...ward?  
Alice: As punishment for not turning you into an exclusive family member, we made him do this.  
Bella: What'd you know...my wish came true......sort of ^^;  
Emmett: Wiggle your tail a bit, i think she'll like that!!  
Edward: -_-  
Esme: Be nice boys...  
Jasper: If you weren't a vampire, i would of eaten you up.  
Edward: If you had half a brain you would shut up...


	2. He Spit in My Oatmeal

Snow globe  
_Jasper sits in his room looking inside a snow globe. He tries to peer inside the log cabin in the snowglobe, shaking it so the fake snow can fall.  
Emmett walks in._  
Emmett: What're you doing? -o-  
Jasper: *still peering intently into the snow globe* You ever wonder if there're really people living inside these snow globes? .__.  
Emmett: .....Right...wow...I think you need some blood in your system, it's starting to drain from your brain...  
Jasper: But... Emmy  
*Emmett drags Jasper as Jasper places snow globe on table.

In snow globe*  
Child one: *comes from under the bolted down table* Is he done mamma :cries:  
Mother: *comes from under the bed with other child* I think so....  
Child two: He spilt my oatmeal ;-;


	3. Loveable

But I'm Lovable  
Carlisle: But i'm, lovable :cry:  
Emmett: You had your chance. They're with me now ;D  
Jasper: That's what you think! -o-  
Emmett: What was that?  
Jasper: I said they feel sorry for you, little o'l teddy bear!  
Emmett: *tackles* :scream: Bastard! :scream:  
Edward: You're acting like children -_-  
Jasper and Emmett: Coming from the guy who refuses to bite his lover!!!  
Edward: *twitch twitch*  
Emmett: Think we hit a soft spot -w-  
Jasper: He won't do anything. He's too busy cooking for little Bella  
Edward: Screw it! Get your asses over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later that day The man with the bigger penis won. Edward and Emmett were tied to a pole butt naked.


	4. Chapter 4

_Family Guy meets Twilight Scene__  
Brian shook his head at Peter, dissapointed in what he found._  
"Peter, this idea's almost as stupid as when you challenged Edward Cullen to a duel to the death."  
_Peter and Brian dimmed back to the past.  
The scenery was in a small meadow at night. Jacob Black had transformed into his werewolf form as Edward Cullen crouched down, hissing and showing his fangs in warning. He was protecting Bella Swan from Jacob, not wanting him to come closer.  
Peter walked into the picture dressed in a knight's attire. He looked at Jacob, then Edward Cullen. He pointed his sword at Edward and challenged him._  
"I challenge you to a duel to the death! This is the day when-" _Edward dissapeared from where he had stood, re-appearing behind Peter._ "Holy crap! Where did the bastard-"  
_Edward twisted Peter's head, snapping his spinal cord. He ran back to where he was before and looked at Jacob._  
"Uh, where were we?"  
_Jacob shrugged his shoulders._ "We were about to kill each other but...uhh.....The moment's gone."  
_Edward lowered his head in a nod._ "Yeah. Wanna go to the mall?"  
"Yeah, why not."  
"Can we go to Starbucks?" _Bella asked.  
Emmett Cullen appeared next to Peter's body and poked it._  
"Hey Jasper! Wanna see a dead guy? Looks like you."  
"Burn in hell!"  
"Already there."__

_Family Guy meets Twilight II___

Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons organize their papers as the camera turns to them for an update in the news.  
"Live from....oh who gives a sh-"  
"Welcome back," _Diane greets, interrupting the announcer._ "I'm Diane Simmons." _Tom grumbles under his breath as he fidgets with his papers. Muttered curses sound as his eyes glare at his papers._ "Tom has his annual period today so I'll be taking over."  
_Tom jolts to his right, his hands and eyeballs twitching erratically. He shoots his left arm to Diane, pointing accusingly at her._ "Die in a fire, Diane!"  
"Get a tampon.  
"Now in other news, after Peter Griffin's tragic death in Forks, Washington, last week, 'Family Guy' has been canceled. All over America, uproars have been starting to form in attempts to find and kill Edward Cullen, the man who killed Peter Griffin."  
"Why does _he_ get all the attention?! He's dead!" _Tom screams._  
"Wait---I have heard the police are in hot pursuit of Edward Cullen. He is in a silver Volvo down some highway in Chicago. Here's Trisha Takanawa!"  
_Trisha Takanawa sits at the edge of her helicopter seat, staring into the camera and then at the far off silver Volvo._  
"Thank-you, Diane. I am here in Chicago where the murderer, Edward Cullen, is being pursued. We are barely catching up with him but we have gotten news he has a female accomplice, Isabella Swan. Wait----he also has another accomplice---male---Jacob Black." _A dark figure was shoved out of the immensely fast Volvo._ "Never mind. He has only one accomplice."  
"You're going down, Cullen!!!!" _Joe shouts as he violently wheels his wheelchair towards Edward's Volvo._

Edward looks through the rearview mirror and growls under his breath.  
"Edward, maybe we should turn ourselves in. Then we can escape," _Bella suggests.  
Edward shakes his head._  
"Then Alice gets the last laugh! I'm _not_ losing another DDR Max to her! She'll have the whole collection!"  
_Bella sighs and looks at the rearview mirror._  
"This is what happens for spiking your blood. I told you and Emmett not to experiment with that whiskey..."

"We are taking Jacob Black for questioning," _Trisha explains. A fire-filled explosion flairs in the background where Edward's Volvo was._ "We will keep you updated in any further news. Back to you, Diane."  
"Thanks, Trisha. What do you have to say to this, Ollie."  
"He drives fast!"  
"Thank-you, Ollie. To news we think you'll like! There's-"  
"He's dead! How can America like _him_ more than _me_?" _Tom screeches. Tom shoots from his chair and runs around in circles, ripping his hair out. He then jumps over the news counter and attacks the camera where he is tranquilized._  
"Hey, Ollie...interested in Tom's job?"  
_Ollie disappears from his weather station. Diane looks around until Ollie's voice sounds from Tom's seat._ "What car does he drive?"  
"A silver Volvo."  
"Lucky bastard."

_The Griffin family sits on the couch all dressed in black, mourning, watching the news._  
"Mom...will the police get Edward Cullen?" _Chris asks.  
Louis sighs and turns her head to Chris._  
"I hope so, sweetheart..."  
_Stewie's head inclines past the doorframe to the kitchen, peering into the living room. His face is painted to camouflage his surroundings and a flamethrower is hidden behind him. Stewie grabs the flamethrower properly and takes a deep breath._  
"Here we go, Louis. You're going down…" _Stewie sprints in front of Louis and jumps on to her lap._ "Take this!"  
_Everyone clears the area instead of Louis as Stewie was about to fire his weapon at her. At a split second, his flamethrower vanishes and Alice is there, balancing herself on their banister._  
"Bad baby," _she reprimands, wagging her finger._  
"Blast! How did you do that?" _Stewie demands._ "Damn female."  
"Sorry about intruding," _Carlisle apologizes._ "Do you usually let your child play with weapons?"  
"Oh….Stewie! How could you?!" _Louis yells._  
"I'll have my revenge!" _Stewie runs into the kitchen._  
"The news is on!" _Jasper calls, beside Emmett and Meg on the couch._  
"Hey there," _Meg flirts.  
Jasper feels her emotions and his eyes shoot at Alice._ "I'm taken."  
"Drat," _Meg mutters._  
_Brian walks into the living room to see the rest of the Cullens and his family there._ "Uh…when did they get here?"

"And we're back!" _Diane says._ "Ollie?"  
"They're dead!"  
"Yes, you have heard Ollie right. We have gotten news of Edward Cullen and his accomplice dying in their burning silver Volvo. Right before Trisha Takanawa's devastating crash she's had this to say."  
_Trisha's helicopter hovers five feet in front of the burning silver Volvo._  
"I am hovering here at the scene of what is the conclusion to a hot pursuit of the man who killed Peter Griffin…"

_Alice crosses her fingers as she gazes intently at the Griffin's television._ "New game…new game…new game…"

"It seems to be that a policeman, in a wheelchair, threw series of grenades at the silver Volvo which was enable to escape. Then, everything else is history. Death, destruction and-"  
_Roars of a beast fill the background. The pilot screams at the view._  
"I'm getting out of here!"  
"Me too!"  
_Both the pilot and the co-pilot jump off the helicopter and land safely on the ground._  
"What was that?" _Trisha asks.  
Jacob Black, in his werewolf form, runs to the burning silver Volvo. He looks into the forest and snarles. Then, a purse is thrown at him from the helicopter. He turns to them and grabs the base of the helicopter and crashes it into the Volvo._  
"That is devastating," _Diane sympathizes._ "Let's see that again!"  
_The entire scene is replayed._

"Holy crap. Hate to be that guy," _Peter says as he munches on a candy bar at the foot of the couch._  
"Peter? When did _you_ get here? I thought you were dead!" _Louis yells.  
Chris laughs happily from the foot of the couch._"Hey dad!"  
"Take him! What a pain in the ass!" _Death whines at the front door._ "You're better off alive! Sheesh!"  
"Oh thank-you, Death!" _Louis smiles._  
"Don't mention it."  
"Hey, Death. Miss us?" _Emmett smirks._  
"If I can kill you…I would." _Death exits the house as Jasper, Alice, and Emmett snicker, the other Cullens smile._

"And what do you have to say in all of what happened in that video, Ollie?"  
"Hot dog!"  
"Nicely put. Wanna get a bite to eat?"  
"I want soup!"  
"Chunky?"  
"Chunky!"


	5. Chapter 5

Edward: "If you sexy and you know it clap your hands!!!"  
*Edward, Emmett and Jasper clap their hands.*  
Edward: "If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands!!!"  
*Edward, Emmett and Jasper clap their hands.*  
Edward: "If you're sexy and you know, and you really wanna show it! If you're sexy and you know it-"  
Alice: "Strip and tease!"


End file.
